So I haven't blogged for a bit, I've been busy volunteering for our now PRESIDENT ELECT OBAMA (that feels so good to say!), and with school and work, I get caught in the hustle and bustle sometimes.  I just wanted to talk a bit about the amazing state our country is in right now.
  I was twelve when Bush stole the oval office for the first time. All my adult life I have known only of a government that stands for bootstrap capitalism despite the fact that most people don't even have boots.  I think about the horrific things that have happened under Bush's blessing- racial profiling as policy, torture as legitimate means of obtaining evidence, corporate lobbyists as the closest thing we have to a voice of the people.  I am not unpatriotic, I sing the songs, I say the pledge, I am just short of having a "God Bless America" bumper sticker, but I did not want to be associated with the atrocities my country was committing.  I was disappointed by the past eight years quite frankly.  I was promised democracy and a voice, and felt I had none. 
  Because of that, this election meant the world to me.  I've been volunteering for the Obama campaign since the democratic primaries.  I don't know how many doors I knocked, or how many strangers I called, begging them to trust the good our country is capable of.  For the past two years the campaign has been a huge part of my life and last Tuesday volunteering and all that hard work culminated into twelve nerve-wracking hours.  I didn't cry when Obama gave his acceptance speech.  It was so surreal.  I couldn't even process it.   Really?  My country could do this?  My country could move past the politics of fear we've been fed for the past eight years? Yes.  Yes we can.  Yes we did.  I am so proud.

Rosa sat so Martin could walk

Martin walked so Barack could run

Barack ran so our children can fly

My secret?  I am a closet christian.  If I had to make the word christian into a person-- one person embodying the whole religion, I don't know if they are someone I would want to surround myself with.  I don't even think 'christian' would like me.  They would probably find me a bit idealistic and we definitely wouldn't see eye to eye on things like politics.  I don't feel like my political stance or my intense love for social change contradict my faith.  I feel like they are completely undivided and my faith is what grounds my stance on everything.  I am not ashamed of god.  I don't want to push him on people, or insist that my way is the only way, but if someone wants to know what I know about him, I'm happy to share.  I don't know what aquiring the label of chrisian would all mean.  I don't want to get a jesus fish bumper sticker, or a WWJD bracelet, or any of that.  I just want to follow god.  I have been labelless for a long time.  But I'm considering coming out.  I just don't want to be associated with the things that people have done in the name of god.  And I'm also afraid I might assist in the mess up.  That I will cross the line from passionate believer to holier than thou hypocrite without realizing it.  I am going to want to apologize to people for some of the ways we have misrepresented god, and pushed them away from spirituality by forcing religion down their throats.  I want them to see Jesus the way I see him, as a revolutionary, who was fueled by serving people and accepting of humanity.  Who saw people and loved every bit of them because he really understood that we are created for greatness.  That he specifically made me with greatness in mind and he doesn't want me to settle and I don't have to be scared.  It gives me so much security and contentment knowing I don't have to worry because someone so much bigger than me has it under control. 

I have had the opportunity of been a female for nineteen years now.  I have only had one body that I can recall and despite it's constant evolving, some things have stayed the same.  I have always held some sort of resentment towards my vessel.  I was thinking about my body as a temple today.  And how if it was a temple- how I would be doing as a worshipper.  Am I giving it the things it needs to prosper, am I making sure it will be around for future believers, future lovers, for as long as possible?  I was thinking about how negative I am about my temple, for being someone who spends so much time there.  I was a very negative congragation.  I realized I wasn't being the kind of church people would want to join.  I have never been much of a "fire in the belly" kind of girl- I've always been "a little extra in the belly" kind of girl.  I've stayed disconnected from my core, both physically and emotionally.  I've decided to change, and embrace both aspects of myself.  To love this little sacred me however imperfect I may be and to give it up.  To be vulnerable.  To love where I'm at and not worry where I'm going and be at peace with the fact that my vessel is doing exactly what it's supposed to be and is exactly as it is meant to be in this moment.  And that is enough for me. and I am content. 

I have relied on a crutch and society has been happy to oblige.  I have relied on things to tell me what I am, possessions, accomplishments, insults, compliments.  I am a college student.  I am forgetful.  I am creative.  And deep down in my core, I am none of that.  I am just here.  On this earth, trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to do.  I figure I should make an impact- I understand my mortality, so that only seems logical, but what kind of impact do I want to make?  And what part of the world do I want to make it on?   I've heard many times that apathy is a drug, but I'm just starting to fully grasp the concept.  That living that way is living half way.  I've never considered a fence sitter- someone who finds the middle of the road a suitable place to settle, but at the same time, I think I have often allowed my passion to go unchanneled.  I can talk about caring about something until I loose my voice but actually caring enough to fight for something, that's a whole different ballgame. 

I'm getting comfortable with the idea of being alone.  Ever since I realized I am someone that someone else might want to be with, I have had to validate that by surrounding myself with men who found me desirable.  I cared about these men, but mostly because they cared about me.  I had an unwritten rule that I wouldn't like a guy more than he liked me, because then I was less likely to get hurt.  Things have changed.  I no longer surrond myself with people I am apethetic towards.  I want to be fully invested in someone everyone.  I want to see everyone as someone I am meant to come into contact with.  I want to trust people enough to make myself vulnerable to them.  I am learning.  I don't neccesarily like it, and it's scary, and it's different, but I'm getting there.  I have a pattern of caretaking or "rescue rangering" as my friend Jodi calls it.  I am seeing the fine line between sacrificing myself to try and change someone, and accepting someone right where they are at and honestly loving on them without trying to get anything out of it.  I used to get frustrated when people wouldn't live up to what I saw as their potential.  I wanted to shake them, and scream "You're capable of so much more!"  I'm starting to see potential differently, though.  I'm seeing it as something that you can't be shaked into living up to.  That wherever people are at, they are at their full potential in that moment.  They are supposed to be in that place and however sucky it may seem, it's perfect.  I am no longer going to stress out and get frustrated and wonder what humanity is coming to if someone isn't right where I want them to be.  I'm going to love them.  And not try to change them, but accept them with no ulterior motive.  Not trying to make them grow, not trying to be the epiphany, just being and loving.  I think this is drastically different than my patterns of the past.  Because this allows me to not carry these people around.  It means they don't need to be carried, but that they are supposed to be standing right where they are and I can stand beside them, and that is enough.  I don't want to try to save everyone anymore, and I'm realizing I don't have to.    I can surround myself with people who fuel and feed me and that's okay, because I deserve to have someone standing next to me, too.  I'm getting to the point where I want to be standing by the people who inspire me rather than just anyone, and if I can't be with those people then I obviously have more growing to do.  I want to be someone inspired people want to surround themselves with, and to become that person I think I also have to be comfortable being surrounded by only myself and my thoughts.  I want to be someone when people see me, they can tell I'm different.  They can see I have an inner peace, that I like myself enough to be comfortable being alone with myself. 

I want you.  I want you to be right for me, I want you to see me and really see me.  I want you intellectual and inspired.  To care about others and to take from religion the good and other centeredness and leave the holier than thou egotisticality behind.  I want you warm and welcoming, empathetic and strong.  I want you to laugh, and not take yourself too seriously.  I want you to be modest and amazing.  I want you to serve others and love doing it.  I want you to see outside of yourself.  I want you to challenge me.  To make me grow, and to love me while I'm still sprouting.  I want you to be passionate about the work you do, but be just as passionate about coming home to me.  I want to be inspired by you.  I want us to fuel each other. 

  I'm messy.  Sometimes (most of the time) my socks don't match.  I am quick to anger and even quicker to judge.  I take medicine, despite being against finding solutions in perscription bottles.  I don't call my friends back.  Sometimes I think I am way too cool to be friends with some of my friends, so I don't call them back.  Othertimes, I think my friends are way too cool to be associated with me, so I don't call them back as an attempt to save them the trouble.  I can't dance, but I think I should be able to.  I make bitchy bitter comments sometimes unintentionally and wonder where they came from.  I spend money on books because it makes me feel good, like I'm 'investing' in myself.  I get drawn into my little sister's geeky teenibopper shows and can't hear what people are saying.   I get hiccups a lot.  I  am terrible at numbers.  I desperately want oodles of rainbow colored children, with or without a man by my side.  I would love the right man by my side. I'm shallow.  I don't like mustard.  My cell phone is broken so I can't text or do picture messaging or any of that jazz, but it's real, and that's pretty jazzy.  I call people I don't really like when I get bored.  I think you would like me if you got to know me.  I take my vitamins religiously.  I want to serve people and hope to someday be a social justice maven mama.  I love my family.  I'm spontanious and odd and bubbly.  I love random trivia.  I know what I am.  I read the new york times and love being politically active.  I love learning about my spirit and the world.  I'm accepting and genuinely care about people.  I like trying weird foods.  I wear chandelier earrings with almost everything, because they make me feel fancy and glamorous even when I spend ten minutes getting ready.  I listen to everything from indie punk to rap.  I am an amazing cookie froster.  I read.  A lot.  I love African-American history and am inspired by it beyond belief even though I am 'a white girl from Wisconsin.'  I have a favorite tree.  I like Indian food.  I'm a decent scrabble player. 

Sometimes I get so confused
On what I 'need' to do
Versus what I feel called to do
So much so that the fight inside me
It overrides me
And I become immobile
Like a baby's mobile
With no batteries
But it's pretty to look at
Comforting to have even without the sound
Even if it doesn't work,
There’s no hurt in having it around,
Sure it's not fulfilling its intended purpose,
But does that make it worthless?
I'm not sure and that's the curse of this
Whole situation,
I want to get off of this mental vacation
And start living, absorbing,
Can’t keep doing the dance of mind draining,
I try to resist,
But I feel myself conforming,
My surroundings are synthetic
100% polyester blend
And I ask myself what the hell I'm doing
And why my decisions are ones only others can comprehend
I long for organic,
The difference between
Synthetic-
Mentally easy and economically cheap
Organic-
Hard to grasp and even harder from which to reap
I have been doing the motions,
They say they are right,
Like right before a dance recital,
I've been practicing every night,
I don't feel like I'm getting better,
I just feel stagnant.
I'm a dancing mobile,
Lacking batteries,
I know what I want- I want to just go!
Don't ask me how
Honestly,
I don't know.
And when I fail,
You will grasp your chest and see it as falling,
And I will gasp breathless and yell "see ma, I'm flying"
You’ll shake your head,
At your crazy, naive, head in the sky daughter
Who knew she could do it;
Because you taught her.

This book is so inspiring, the true story of the impact one person can make.